A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.