yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.