It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
You Might Also Like
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail