If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
You Might Also Like
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I’m about to risk it all
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.