Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?