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Page of robfromonline's best tweets

@robfromonline : just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like "nah that's a water guy"

@robfromonline: me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that's not good

@robfromonline: dad: when i die, donate my body to science


me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

@robfromonline: doctors won't tell you this but reattaching a limb isn't that hard what's hard is getting it to stay after it's had a taste of freedom

@robfromonline: boss: why did you cross out "world" on my "world's best boss" mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my "universe's awesomest employee" shirt}



me: this one's true tho

@robfromonline: her: what's your fantasy?

me: i'm fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you're the dragon

@robfromonline: me: aren't you going to ask if i'm sexually active

doctor: i don't really need to

me: wait why



doctor: look i heard you say 'okie dokie' to the receptionist i already know you aren't

@robfromonline: me: but it says it RIGHT HERE, philippians 4:13 "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me"

priest: ok again, the lord is not going to help you [sighs] "get hella laid"

@robfromonline: before you criticize someone remember they're a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it's easier to make them cry