Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of robfromonline's best tweets

@robfromonline : dad: when i die, donate my body to science [later] me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

@robfromonline: doctors won't tell you this but reattaching a limb isn't that hard what's hard is getting it to stay after it's had a taste of freedom

@robfromonline: boss: why did you cross out "world" on my "world's best boss" mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my "universe's awesomest employee" shirt}



me: this one's true tho

@robfromonline: her: what's your fantasy?

me: i'm fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you're the dragon

@robfromonline: me: aren't you going to ask if i'm sexually active

doctor: i don't really need to

me: wait why



doctor: look i heard you say 'okie dokie' to the receptionist i already know you aren't

@robfromonline: me: but it says it RIGHT HERE, philippians 4:13 "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me"

priest: ok again, the lord is not going to help you [sighs] "get hella laid"

@robfromonline: before you criticize someone remember they're a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it's easier to make them cry