(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Customize Your Wedding.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.