Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Teach your children to beatbox
Duck typos.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way