Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Pickled cat.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad