Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.