My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”