[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.