Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.