Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of rockymomax's best tweets

@rockymomax : WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you ME: but I'm a slave 4 u WIFE: that's it ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

@rockymomax: [prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

@rockymomax: [me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO

@rockymomax: ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them

@rockymomax: [baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

@rockymomax: ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer

@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

@rockymomax: [x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don't know, there's a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

@rockymomax: [oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

@rockymomax: [elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher