CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
@rockymomax: [me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
@rockymomax: ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them
@rockymomax: [baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
@rockymomax: ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer
@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
DOCTOR: I don't know, there's a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
@rockymomax: [oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
@rockymomax: [elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I'm your teacher