Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of rockymomax's best tweets

@rockymomax : [kissing at a bar] HER: wanna get out of here? ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

@rockymomax: ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn't fit in here

@rockymomax: [moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

@rockymomax: [dinner]
DAD: let's roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

@rockymomax: [making the first boat]
"How do we get across this river?"
ME: we gotta build a boat
"What's a boat?"
ME: that's what we gotta figure out

@rockymomax: [having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I've been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

@rockymomax: [in hell journal day 211]

I've asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

@rockymomax: [first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what's your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

@rockymomax: [i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
"this gives me an idea for a restaurant"

@rockymomax: EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats