Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of rockymomax's best tweets

@rockymomax : Her: I'm leaving you Me: Why though? Her: You lie to me constantly Me: Ha! You don't just leave the man who invented the spatula!

@rockymomax: Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

@rockymomax: [me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

@rockymomax: PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we'll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

@rockymomax: ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

@rockymomax: HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

@rockymomax: [me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

@rockymomax: [swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

@rockymomax: ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

@rockymomax: [me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5