Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of rockymomax's best tweets

@rockymomax : EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science. SUBJECT: what shall we worship? EGYPTIAN KING: cats

@rockymomax: [adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don't let him die

@rockymomax: TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it's "no gain"
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

@rockymomax: WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you
ME: but I'm a slave 4 u
WIFE: that's it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

@rockymomax: [prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

@rockymomax: [me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO

@rockymomax: ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them

@rockymomax: [baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

@rockymomax: ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer

@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing