Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of rockymomax's best tweets

@rockymomax : ME: this is great INSTRUCTOR: you've never used a gun before, huh? ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

@rockymomax: FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

@rockymomax: BAILIFF: do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
ME: no
JUDGE: [flipping through law handbook] what do we do if he says no?

@rockymomax: ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@rockymomax: [gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

@rockymomax: DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

@rockymomax: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

@rockymomax: EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

@rockymomax: MORGAN FREEMAN: I'm here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he's still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

@rockymomax: [me as a doctor]
ME: *delivers baby* congratulations
NEW MOTHER: what is it
ME: it's a baby idiot