@rockymomax: [adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe
[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don't let him die
@rockymomax: TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it's "no gain"
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
@rockymomax: WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I'll leave you
ME: but I'm a slave 4 u
WIFE: that's it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
@rockymomax: [me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
@rockymomax: ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them
@rockymomax: [baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
@rockymomax: ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer
@rockymomax: CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing