Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Terribly Tuesday.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Girl, same.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.