[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it