Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
much to think about
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
How it started How it’s going
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.