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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.