I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Sniffing the broccoli
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Why am I like this?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all