“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.