Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.