me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
gm
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors