Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
You Might Also Like
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.