“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.