jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
mumsnet is amazing
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.