[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.