If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
You Might Also Like
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.