Potatoes were such a good idea
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m being attacked 馃槶
There鈥檚 two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it鈥檚 a captcha.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we鈥檙e both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
me: what鈥檚 a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I鈥檒l have to put into updating her room to a home gym
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Oh, you鈥檙e Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
It is what it is. Unless it鈥檚 cauliflower. Then it is what it isn鈥檛.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 馃槵
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If you鈥檙e not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it鈥檚 dis-gusting
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I camp so other people don’t have to.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb