You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?