If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
And then there were 4
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.