My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I identify as an antique shop.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you