Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.