Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.