Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Morning my dudes.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.