Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?