Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.