When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
TRAIN’S HERE
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?