I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’