Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.