lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Print is alive and well!!!
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
do horses think humans are hats
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.