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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.