[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
We’ve all been there
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.