Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
i hate you platonically
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Cinematography is my passion
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention