Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Just so funny
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
yes, those are my real potatoes.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul