ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.