*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
You Might Also Like
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.