Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
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airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
just having fun
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.