Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
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I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today