@samdunsiger: Me: I'm worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

@samdunsiger: ME: There's something fishy going on here.

YOU: It's just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

@samdunsiger: ME, TO MY BEER: Let's get to the bottom of this.

@samdunsiger: If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

@samdunsiger: Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

@samdunsiger: At this stage in my life, I'm chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

@samdunsiger: Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

@samdunsiger: If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn't more of you.

@samdunsiger: "Make it rain" is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.