Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
We avoided this particular disaster
I put the hot in psychotic.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life