Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”