Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant